A Sock Garter Tragedy and a Supermarket Strategy© April 5, 2020
When I was a sophomore at Georgetown, I was having a difficult time — a very difficult time — getting dates. One strategy was to take an elective course in Introductory Psychology at the GU School of Nursing. There were only three boys in a class of perhaps thirty. Remarkably, no luck. No return on my academic investment. No insights into my nature or the nature of girls.
While sitting in my dorm room one morning, getting ready for class, I noticed that my socks were droopy — the elastic at the top was wearing thin. I tried on eight other pairs and observed the same droopiness. Ah ha. The answer. Girls must be noticing my droopy socks. After my classes, I went to the Georgetown University Shop and purchased sock garters, and two pairs each of blue, black, brown, grey, and green garter socks. Salvation and girls on the horizon.
I was a political junkie in college. My favorite experience on Friday nights was to go the Shoreham Hotel in Rock Creek Park, and listen to Mark Russell, a political comedian who stood up while playing the piano and made very funny political jokes. So, if I ever had a Friday night date (which was quite rare), I took her to hear Mark Russell. Forget restaurants, dancing, movies, walks along the Tidal Basin, bars, and such. I really enjoyed Mark Russell, and made the regrettable assumption that my date would feel the same way. In retrospect, probably not such a grand idea.
Anyway, after one such Friday night foray, I was escorting my first-time-date from Trinity College from the Shoreham Hotel back to my fairly old Mercury. At about sixty feet from my car, my right garter let loose, and started dragging on the sidewalk. Swish, scrape, swish, scrape, swish, scrape with every step. The girl turned to me and said, “What is that scraping noise?” I swiveled my head, looking up at trees and apartment buildings and the night sky, and said, “I don’t hear anything”. She said, “I hear something”.
Well, we finally reached the Mercury. I opened the door and installed her in the passenger seat. Went around the back of the car, put my foot up on the bumper, and hitched up. Drove her back to Trinity College. I had high hopes, but curiously, was never able to have another date with her.
Notwithstanding that inglorious defeat, I soldiered on with garter socks. After two years, they left noticeable bands of hairless skin, which were most obvious, and raised some questions when I went the beach. I gave up on garter socks after graduation, and began thinking about other dating strategies. And, as a single, older man, I am still thinking about other strategies.
For example, after many bewildering grocery shopping experiences, I noticed that attractive and intelligent-looking women, who most likely knew how to cook, lingered in the Fresh Produce section of our supermarket. So, I started staring at, picking up, poking, and examining fresh produce, hoping to strike up a conversation, but having no idea as to what I was doing. Well, why not? I tried it for a couple of weeks. I thought it was going well, then Covid-19, with masks and distancing. Once again, unhorsed.
Well, there are still a lot of women out there with bad judgment. So, I persevere. Perseverance is a good quality and, in my opinion, should be recognized as such by women. Right?